Ghost Troop Home Page April Fools Part 3
Yo Wolf! Come here boy! Sit! Good boy!
All right, Wolf, I’ll start treating you with the respect you deserve now that you know what I think of you.
Here’s the new deal in media. I’m media. You guys are clueless because you’re twisting so many ways to avoid the big bad prez and his thugs. Shit, man, what’s wrong with you? I’ve been underground since July 17 when a few of my intelligence sources said to duck out for a while. Yep, they missed me, but they got Kelly.
Anyhow, you can’t really blow me off any more, Wolf,
because I’m the guy who has been in touch with you for months, and you’re not
the only guy who knows it now. Everybody
knows it. I am the ultimate pure source
of intelligence, infinitely better than the collection of all the intelligence
communities of
All right, you want me to prove it beyond past predictions?
Sit. Dammit, Wolf, you just keep sitting. Don’t get fucking familiar, and quit getting a doggie hard-on. It’s disgusting.
All right, here are a couple of insights that are a light year ahead of you:
Wesley Clark is running as a Republican, but he’s
waiting for Bush to take it in the butt over the price tag for the war. I gotta pay my compliments to the General,
because I would have thought he would have charged out of outrage for the
cover-up of the Battle of Baghdad, but he knows what he’s doing. Wait for
Anyhow,
Those are the people I’ve been dealing with, and they’ve been dealing with the General, dig? Good boy. Good boy. Good boy.
Dammit Wolf, quit licking yourself! I guess that’s how it is for someone who dogged his duty to tell the truth to the American People, though, so go ahead. Lick, boy.
Yeah, it’s supposed to be a big surprise, but I’m
letting the public know on the Internet.
I told the General I wanted to coordinate fire with him on the Infowar (I’m waging it against you and the others who
betrayed the Constitution), but he’s doing his own thing, calls it a
campaign. I’d like to help him, ‘cause I
think he’s the brightest politician in
That claim is no brag, it’s fact. When you talk common sense without giving a damn what other people think you’re unstoppable, a Juggernaut (look it up) of Truth and Freedom. Yep, that’s just what you are. That’s why the government usually finds a way to kill you. Good thing for me that this government is going to collapse a lot quicker than Nixon’s, huh? You think I might actually make it out of this investigation alive, Wolf? What do you think, boy?
Bad dog!
Wolf, if you were here I’d teach you not to wish ill
on your master. You’re like the guys who
empowered the guy who sent the guys to kill David
Kelly in
Do you think your life would be any better if you thought you were going to jail for violating the Constitution through the distribution of propaganda to the American People? [Editor’s emphasis, in all cases] That’s right boy, just sit there with your tongue hanging out and your dick in the dirt. You’re about to get run over by a car called reality. They’ll say you should have stayed in your own yard of professional ethics, not run off into the dark corners of psyops and black arts pros… (Which do you think I am, or am I both?) Doesn’t it give you a Walter Mitty rush to think that you’re actually reading real-time revolution for reasons of reality? Or should I say unreality? Did Orwell make the word up? Or did I? Or did you and your media friends?
Here’s another prediction: Dean’s remarks at the debate calling for a reconsideration
of
How about one more, and I’ll
back it up with an op-ed:
Damn, that would mean I was ahead of the government
by four months, wouldn’t it boy? Could
it be that what you guys call news is
really olds? Captain May sez so,
so it must be so. The feds recently put
out a list of top terror targets.
I’ll attach that piece. The idiot op-ed editor of the Houston
Chronicle (David Langworthy 713-220-7209) and his
feeble bosses (Frank Michel and Jeff Cohen 713-220-7077) made me use a duct
tape angle – then stuck a duct tape headline on it. Oh well, call it the Handy Dandy analysis of
what happens when you blow up refineries south of the crowded slums of a town
where there is an inversion temperature gradient and a prevalent southerly
breeze. Yeah, I know it’s
complicated. It took me three enlisted
years teaching the Nuclear Biological and Chemical warfare course at III Corps
to figure it out, kinda sorta. I’ve got my duct tape and plastic sheet
ready. You guys in
All right, one more attachment so you can vainly try to catch up to the stuff I was writing the Chronicle a month ago that they wouldn’t print (besides op-eds about Jessica, the covered up Battle of Baghdad, and the reality of the Northeastern Power outage, which they also won’t print). Aw, what the hell, you’ve been a pretty good dog, for a Wolf. I’ll attach ‘em all. Now everybody can understand reality.
Captain May
PS: If you want to block me, go ahead. I’m broadcasting to else, and they’ll get the word out (behind your back) that I’m your pen pal. Don’t get crossed with me, or I’ll put you on my list for bad dogs. I’ll put that one right underneath this e-mail, so you won’t forget.
Hey Wolf, sit! Good boy. A little help for you. That shit you just showed of Bin Laden while he was hiking in the mountains. You’re spouting off about how he’s hurt, his left arm specifically. Man, you’re reaching. You’re reaching. Look at the film again. I was just glancing as I played guitar, smoked a cig, and dissected your broadcast, but I think I saw something you didn’t pick up for however long you and your half-assed producers bothered to look.
Bin Laden’s left arm is
fine, fool. He was descending a steep
grade with a staff in his right hand, holding his cloak in his left. That’s when you barked out that he must be
hurt, “wounded” from our great power in our great victory in
How do I know about the staff, holds and walking stuff? Because I’m a black belt, fool. That’s why you’d better watch out if you try to bite someone. You be a good boy, now. I know all about body mechanics. I also practice the long staff. Incidentally, I walk with a cane like Bin Laden does, too. If you want some analysis of him while he’s using it I’ll give you a tad bit: I saw him on your film the other evening climbing up mountains, using the cane in the ergo-efficient way to move upwards. Yeah, I know about rock climbing a little, too. I used to be involved in what I suppose you would generalize as special operations, but we won’t talk about that on the email or anywhere else. I’m strictly above-board now, and the only secrets I know I learn from your fool analyses. (That last word was plural for analysis, boy.)
Bin Laden is beating you at propaganda on your own network! While you sit there and lament that you haven’t been able to nab ‘im, you show him looking hardy as a goat! I know why, though, and so do you – or you should: You’re playing with his shit, boy. Bad dog! Leave that stuff alone. He’s caving public opinion in, and his shit is the best footage you show nowadays.
And where did you get it? Arab media! You see, you’ve become bitches for the same folks you watched George XLIII assassinate for standing in the way of the propaganda that you guys cranked out. But it was bad propaganda! I caught it on sight, and word is going out on the net. It’s gonna be a hail storm coming, boy, and you’ll be happy if you can find a dog house to hide in.
I got called early this week by an impeachment
group. It appears they’ve gotten hold of
my “3/7
Cavalry, tragedy and travesty” It was one of my better essays, and
the most heartfelt thing I’ve ever written.
I’ll tell you, when I saw y’all turn against
Do you think folks in their living rooms can’t see a defeated Army from every indication on the screen? Yep, the pictures say it all. You say “victory” but the troops know that nothing good is coming. What they know,but you’re too stupid fathom, is that they have been positioned by a commander-in-chief into quicksand, exactly where I said they would be on April 3 in the Houston Chronicle.
Don’t you understand that when Bin Laden tells the public that he doesn’t want to hurt anyone so get out of the way, he’s tapping into the better part of our national character? I’m as anti-American as George Washington, who made sure that the last thing he told his nation before he left the presidency was the following: Stay the hell away from foreign entanglements! How much more entangled can you get than in quicksand, Wolf? How much, boy? There, good dog, you’re right: You can’t get more entangled, and anything you do means you sink deeper into ultimate entanglement. There’s no bottom to find, and there’s no swimming stroke to propel you up or out.
The desert is quicksand for armies, Wolf, and it
always has been. If only you had read
your history… But you didn’t. You’re a screw-off like the Bushling, and like him, your only intellectual attainment
is that of being a confidence artist.
But you’re losing our confidence, Wolf.
I think you’d better pass it around to the dog pound that Captain May sez let’s get out of
We’ve lost the war. Let’s save the Army. I know you don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to strategy or logistics, but I’ll tell you what, go and talk to General Clark. Yeah, you can sniff him if you want, ‘cause that’s what media dogs are for, but while you’re nosing around for something worthy of CNN, ask him to tell you, absolutely off the record, what the military situation really is, behind the generals and politicians who have to keep up a brave face as the soldiers die. Ask him, go ahead. Tell him Captain May sez to tell you the truth, and tell him you already know he’s going to run as a Republican; that information will get you taken seriously, and otherwise you’re too low on the IQ chart for the General to waste time with you.
Good boy. Now fetch!
Captain May
PS: You guys are so far out of line that you’re a set-up for a populist revolt. Better get going, guys, ‘cause the truth is a bigger problem for you than Bin Laden is.
A quote from
Rousseau … and then … I go.
“Opinion, queen of the world, is not subject to the power
of kings. They themselves are her first
servants.”
Ghost Troop Home Page April Fools Part 3