Ghost Troop Home Page April Fools Part 2

August 28, Ultimatum to Jeff n Judy, Houston Chronicle

Hey there, boy and girl. What the hell happened today? Why didn’t you run the letters column? What? Right… And what else? Right…

You know what, Captain May sez you’re yellow. Run the letter, boy and girl, or I will do a running commentary of your paper and email it to you daily. I know you’re reading this stuff, ‘cause you’re scared. Oh, well, welcome to my world. Wanna switch jobs? I didn’t think so, and it’s just as well. I’m doing what the United States Army spent millions teaching me to do: lead from the front and shoot while I move. I have a German Army captain friend who said that the op-ed I twisted your arms to run July 8 was like a Panzer round in the wall of silence. I was proud to hear the compliment, but I realize now that your walls have to be attacked from every direction. I’m currently undermining them, and doing so very effectively, I assure you.

You can cut off the email at will, because I’m not writing for the Houston Chronicle any more; I’m writing for America to judge the Houston Chronicle. Here’s a sample of the analysis my Gentle Reader is getting in real time:

“Today the Chronicle ran another column by quasi-Nazi Austin Bay. He waddled around in a fog of bore while describing our current position in the quicksand of Iraq as exactly where we need to be. After all, the no-spine opined, we’re attracting fanatics like flies to flypaper! I wonder if Custer thought that way when he went into the Dakotas after the Sioux. With a name like Austin, you’d think Bay would remember the Alamo.”

I read your editorial section as I take my morning sit, that way it is available for both entertainment and hygiene.

Captain May

PS: Would you kindly send me the email address for your corporate attorneys? I bear that distinguished tribe no malice, and would like to extend them the courtesy of direct contact. I wish them luck in defending the Chronicle in the court of truth. I’m glad the editorial board has you to hide behind, ladies and gentlemen. When you reach out, I’ll hide behind my wife (she’s a lawyer, too). Her name’s Gretchen May, and her number is (omitted by Editor). Don’t contact me, because I wish you well, and don’t want to know your names, though. Lord knows, you see what I can do with a person’s name once they’ve caused me some impediment in my mission.

Ain’t it a bitch that there’s no legal defense against a bald statement of the truth? And ain’t it even more of a bitch when the lying client you have to protect is a media entity that is the perfect target for a pending wave of patriotic outrage? I hope you make a lot of bucks in the coming fracas if you’re not integrated into the Hearst system; if you are integrated, brothers and sisters, I’m doing you a favor by telling you to start floating your resumes quick.

But if you want to stick it out for the show, here’s my advice: Since you have no defense, attack the plaintiff. I’d like to say that was my idea, but I used to teach it in Latin class; it’s from Marcus Tullius Cicero. Ever heard of him? Adios.

Ghost Troop Home Page April Fools Part 2