Ghost Troop Home Page    April Fools Part 3

 

September 24, 0900, email to Craig Hines and Judy Minshew, Houston Chronicle

Dear Mr. Hines,

I read and enjoyed your column “The needs of Iraqis?- Oh, get serious”  in today’s Corrigible Chronicle.  I liked it from the lead idea of the shithouse ghetto for journalists.  Believe me, as a renegade brother in the profession, I’m familiar with the treatment.

Your exposition of the Orwellian doublespeak and doublethink of the Bushlings was refreshing.  I swear to God, I’m almost thinking that you guys are starting to tell it like it is.  So by God, start calling yourselves the “Shithouse Journalists” and be proud of it.  When I was a young soldier I was the wise guy who got called a “shithouse lawyer” for telling my buddies how to not get screwed by the first sergeant.  Yep, I was a Specialist Four in the Chemical Corps in the First Cavalary Division (77-80) up at Ft. Hood, and I became such a pain in the ass to authority that they promoted me buck sergeant just to send me to a swell job lecturing as a III Corps “Dirty War” Instructor.  I hope you shithouse journalists have just as much luck as I did.  I would damn sure rather hang out in your part of the plane than in the VIP seats.

At the end of the piece you note that Chalabi was a Pentagon client.  How about a bit of speculation, and use it if it helps you:

The military situation in Iraq is something that media folks aren’t picking up on, because things like logistics, supply and periodic maintenance are unfathomable – rather like the notion of foundational stances in martial arts, but I digress.  The public doesn’t understand that when we took Iraq, Iraq took us.  Take something between Napoleon’s slowly disastrous Peninsular Campaign in Spain at the start of the 19th Century or his swiftly disastrous Russian Campaign in 1812, and you see the military prognosis:  Shit.  We’re not going to lose in Iraq, sir, we have already lost. [Editor’s emphasis, in all cases]

Sorry to bombast, but I was an intelligence officer in another part of my military career, and it’s hard to get out of the habit of pissing on parades – that’s my job.  I never briefed a general officer of any merit who gave a damn about my endorsement of his (or her) plans; they wanted me to be inimical to their plans, to attack their plans from the enemy point of view, to probe its weaknesses.  War games are held with “friendly” blue forces and “enemy” red forces.  Intelligence officers learn to play red as well as blue, just as a trained fighter can destroy an opponent with a blow from either hand, not just his natural lead hand, like most folks.  (As an aside, the problem with military intelligence and Bush is that Bush is puerile – good word for ‘im – and won’t listen to anything that contradicts his shallow impressions of warfighting!  He’s a lousy commander, pure and simple.)

Anyhow, back to Chalabi:  What if he knows (via his Pentagon contacts) everything I’ve just said about the military situation:  We’ve got no more Army to send; the Army we’ve already sent is getting tired, broken down, dispirited and isolated in the middle of a vast, hostile desert.  We have extended and strained supply lines.  The US puppet Council is playing Infowar with Al Jazeera and Al Arabiya, who are playing back for keeps because of what happened to their colleagues back on April 8, when we finished the Battle of Baghdad.  Public sentiment will turn increasingly against the US Occupation as long as things keep getting worse.  And things will keep getting worse, because all the insurgents have to do is destroy their own infrastructure, kill collaborators and provoke the occupying forces.  It’s straight out of Che Guevara’s On Guerilla War, or T.E. Lawrence’s Seven Pillars of Wisdom.  It doesn’t need a manual.  Occupied people discover revolutionary war the way curious teenagers discover sex.

I know this means a dicey situation for the Iraqis, and yep, I’ll go on record and say that the inhuman, homicidal tyrant they had was a lot better than the inhuman genocidal civil war they are destined to have before resolving through that grim means just who will be their next homicidal tyrant.  They sure didn’t need what they’re going to get, and they won’t be thanking us when it’s all over.  But what the hell, your headline said it right.  When all is said and done, “the needs of the Iraqis?”  Oh, get serious.  That says it all.

Our interests were gathered for a successful Iraqi incursion, and now our interests are gathering to extract us.  Good.

I’ve done my best to popularize the word quicksand to describe Iraq (starting with an op-ed I did for Langworthy back on April Fools day).  That was my intelligence analysis of what we were getting into.  I’m kinda out of line saying what the mission should be next, because that’s usually the commander’s job, but seeing what we’ve got for a commander, I’m willing to help with a riddle:

Question:  How do you get out of quicksand?

Answer:  Quick.

Again, my compliments for your candor, and my best wishes that a growing cadre of shithouse journalists will begin to share it.  Please take all of the scatological references kindly when you consider the source:  I, Captain Eric H. May, MI, USA, have been at the center of the shit since April Fools day, just ask the editorial boys at the Coming-around Chronicle.

E. May

PS:  I had a psyops campaign going for a while with Jeff, Frank and David (inter alios).  I had ‘em on a Black List for covering up Baghdad – when I’d told Frank it was happening the day it happened, and had a fine essay on it in his hands the next week!

Well, Thom Shanker at the Times convinced me to turn ‘em loose yesterday, so I’ve taken ‘em off the list, though not out of the book.  I believe this is the first time your name has appeared in April Fools, Captain May (my pending classic, proceeds to go to charity).  It’s a pleasure to have nice words to say about someone who works for the paper (along with the Post, RIP) that got me started as an op-ed writer.  Please tell Thom if you see him that Captain May sez howdy, and tell the Chronicle boys that they should kiss Thom’s ass in gratitude the next time they see him.

Attached:  two of my Outlook op-eds predicting disaster in Iraq.

 

 

September 24, 1330, email to David Langworthy, Houston Chronicle

All right, David, I cut you and Frank and Jeff some slack by tearing up the Black List.  God knows, it wasn’t because you deserved it.  Thank Thom Shanker.  Here’s a piece that ain’t as scary as Baghdad, or is it?  You guys look like you’re edging toward doing your duty, so I’ll test your mettle again.

I’ve strung together a little history, a little Christiane Amanpour, and a little expert military/media analysis to write an essay that asks for fair treatment for the servicemen who may be victims of a (quasi) legal lynching.

As always, feel free to slice, dice and spice.  I’ve never doubted your competence as an editor, just your courage as a journalist.  Do your duty, sir, and I’ll have a kinder opinion – and so will your peers.

Captain May

 

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