Ghost Troop Home
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Fools Part 2
Gentle Reader, I am in fine spirits at the moment, and shall remain so for at least an hour and a half. The half will be that which I propose to spend regaling you; the full hour will be seeing how Messrs. Hannity and Colmes handle my Fox trap.
I have baited it well, if I do say so myself. I sent them the letter from hell right after the show two nights ago, and they’ve worried since. I do not let them rest; I hit them from whence they know not, for that is the secret of it all. I defeat them with their own arrogance, for they have not been humiliated enough to be wise. I am the humiliation that they deserve, and that they need to learn better than to do what they did.
Aren’t you glad you’re my Gentle Reader? I have nothing but admiration for your talents, nothing but benign regards for your prospects. I would bemuse you if I met you, and you would bemuse me right back. But for all that, I am solitary, so seek me not.
Oh, the Fox trap? It’s being set with iron jaws as I write, my friend, by the perfect accomplice, whom I really should be writing, even in preference to you, if you’ll pardon me.
By order of Captain Eric H. May, MI,
As I have told you, I have self-commissioned after the failure of the commander in chief to acknowledge the heroic sacrifices of his loyal soldiers on a foreign battlefield, and his suppression of the Constitutional right of the American People to know the truth. You will continue in your current capacity until the conclusion of an appropriate time of national grief for the dead of the Battle of Baghdad has concluded. At that point I will return command of Ghost Troop to the 3/7 Cavalry Regiment, and to the nation.
You will continue to operate independently on the home front on behalf of all military families touched by the deprivation and death of war. You may call upon me to assist you in any way that is within my power, for all military families are my family.
Your uniform will be something that shows your sorrow for those who have fallen, and those who may fall. Perhaps you have a black ribbon, but you decide.
You will receive no pay until the conclusion of operations, at which time I will request of the Army that it pay you for your service, at appropriate grade, from this day until discharged.
Further, I now make an award on the basis of the gallantry you have shown. Allow me to state my reasons for you and my Gentle Reader (whom I left standing at the beginning of your letter, but who doesn’t mind now).
On
Tonight Lt.
Robison, in spite of grave fears for her and her family’s security, has taken
it upon herself to advance for military families again. She has called the producer of the Hannity and Colmes show to demand
an apology, and she has done it in no uncertain terms. She accomplished this brave mission despite
knowledge that other military families were frightened by Messrs. Hannity and Colmes.
Lt. Robison is
the officer who has fired the first shot of the second American
Revolution. (I just help set up the
battlefield.)
Captain Eric
May, MI,
Lt. Robison, I’m awarding you the Legion of Merit on behalf of the Army. I’ll get around to sending off to the Pentagon for it after we’ve brought our valiant service members home. It’s a real pretty medal, and it’s a heck of a lot higher up the ribbon tree than anything I’ve got, let me tell you. But then, I’ve never done the kind of brave thing you did tonight. You’re my hero. [Emphasis by Editor.]
Captain May
If your eye has a teardrop in it, then you have a good soul. Anyone can be a hero, haven’t you figured that out yet? If I can, if Rachel Corrie can, if Lt. Robison can, then you can, too.
Dear Captain, SIR
I'm watching "Hard to Kill" about a cop who comes back from a coma to set things right against great odds. In it, Stephen Seagal's character (Mason Storm) says "We're outgunned and undermanned, but we're gonna win. I'll tell you why - superior attitude, superior state of mind." Inspirational quote, I thought. Here's another one - "Can't you tell? All the wishes you've made have filled up the well! HOLLYWOOD BLACK" (Ronnie Dio & band).
Salutations,
Private Kenneth GT37CL
P.S. Peace & Light!
Well said, as usual, Loco. Have you ever read Moby Dick? You remind me of the cabin boy, Pip; I’m afraid I remind me of Ahab, but that’s another topic altogether.
Since you gave me lyrics, I’ll return lyrics. You may be one of the few people who might
know that a year ago the best selling book of poetry in
So you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
blue
skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From
a cold steel rail?
A
smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
Did they get you to trade
your
heroes for ghosts?
hot
ashes for trees?
hot
air for a cool breeze?
cold
comfort for change?
Did you exchange
a
walk-on part in a war
for
a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you
were here!
We’re just two lost souls
swimming
in a fish bowl,
year
after year,
running
over the same old ground…
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
It brings a tear to the eye, Loco, and it will only get worse as you age. I promised my wife I’d learn to play the song for her on the guitar, then the war started, and I haven’t played a note of it since. I will, when it’s all over.
Captain May
Dear Chase,
I have received and read the Weekly Standard (Sept. 1-8)
article “Drafting General Clark” to which the editor has unkindly attached the
subscript “Another slippery candidate from
First observation, third graph: “
Second observation:
Matthew Continetti, the witless writer, states
repeatedly that the general is a Democrat. Jesus Christ, Chaplain Untermeyer,
can it be that there is a journalist in
Third observation (and I’ll make ‘em
quick from here on): The writer believes
that
Fourth: The
writer says that
Fifth: The
writer acknowledges
Sixth (then I’ll quit, or I’ll get tired): The writer says that
Seventh (there are too many to stop, friend): The writer points out that
Enough! Enough! Enough!
Let’s analyze the analysis beginning with its first point, since it ripped off my fine idea that General Clark could run as another Eisenhower, then go from there. It’s tedious, but I’ll get the quote straight so everyone will see it coming. Here’s the penultimate graph from my July 8 op-ed in the Cringing Chronicle’s Outlook Section (Don’t sneer, I’ve stopped writing for them!):
“I believe that the next presidential election will
be about the missteps and misstatements that have misled us into this war. In that case, a victorious general might be
as welcome a candidate in 2004 as General Eisenhower was in 1952, when voters
liked Ike for promising to get us out of
I’ll attach the whole thing at the end of this criticism, so that you can pass it on to the Kristol Ball of the Weekly Standard.
I said Eisenhower, dammit, and I mean Eisenhower, and Eisenhower was a Republican! Why? I put it in the last graph of the essay:
“I hope we will soon have the public hearings that General Clark has called for. In the meantime, I’ll continue to worry when the Bush administration says that things are well in hand. Maybe what we have well in hand is a time bomb.”
OK. Now,
you’ve read all this before, right? July
8, right? Well, I started writing it the
minute I saw
Look it up in the attached and quoted “Worried about
the quicksand of war in
OK, Chase, take what I made the Crass Chronicle publish April 3, add what I made them publish July 8, then add what I wrote April 13 (which will surely be read in American Literature courses), but neither the Crappy Chronicle nor the New York Times nor the Atlanta Journal Constitution (inter multa alia) yet have the guts to publish: “3/7 Cavalry, tragedy and travesty.” Was there ever a better named piece, Chase? No? That’s the saddest part of all, isn’t it? Isn’t it?
I’m listening to “Sad-eyed
Lady of the
Refresh yourself with the attached pieces, then come back to the clinic…
OK, jump up three times to mix the three op-eds you’ve just read, but of which the public has read only the lesser two-thirds.
Ready? OK,
Clark knows about
Hell, he may win every primary but
OK. If there is a single new item in this letter – one that I haven’t been hashing out with you for months – I charge you to tell me ASAP, because I’m putting my reputation as a Sybil on the line while I’m still inspired. (I really do think it’s the proximity of Mars, Chase.)
I’ve attached the letter with which I cussed out the general so that you’ll understand that I’m no hack, and so that he’ll understand that I know exactly who I’m fucking with: I’m fucking with the smartest man in America next to me!
I’m sure he’ll never read this missive, so I need hardly say it, but it’s not fair for a two-bars captain to pick on a four-stars general without extending a hand:
Aside to
General Clark:
General Clark, you are a man of acute intelligence, so
I believe you will reflect on my intense though brief role in the drama of our
times, and that you will consider it an honor to have been railed at by Captain
May, even though you knew what you were doing by waiting in the wings – and I
knew, too. I know that I have a
captain’s advantage in that I move of my own volition, while you have a shitload of logistics and camp followers to fuck with. Sucks to be you general,
and it will suck worse when you’re president.
Remember your Republic (which
very probably only you and I have read) and recall that we need philosopher kings if we’re going to
muddle through our own corruption.
Please have your PR hacks make free with the Platonic allusion. Good luck with your campaign, and just tell
me if you need a hand after
As for all these civilian toads, general, I don’t
have much use for ‘em. They can’t even see how a gifted leader can
win a battle just by maneuvering on the battlefield. They have pissed and moaned and bantered as
if you were yesterday’s news when you were tomorrow’s history. Some day let’s talk about the months since
April 4. I need someone who will
understand what I feel, and maybe you are the only one, because you had to see
it and keep your cool, while I had to see it and lose my mind. I thought you showed class when the guy on TV
mocked you for still being embedded after the
Maybe one day we’ll can compare notes on feints, attacks, deception, psyops (it’s all psyops, alas) and so on. I’m sure you’re a whiz, and I only ran on fragmentary orders even when I was in the regular Army. Have you read The Seven Pillars of Wisdom, general? I’ll bet you have. If not, just ask me about it some day, and in the meanwhile, watch the movie Lawrence of Arabia. Do you know Chase Untermeyer? You should. He’s a first rate man, and he’s beginning to understand.
E. May
PS: Chase, sorry for taking up your missive with lines for the general, but I think you’ll soon agree that it has enough hints for a cartload of Pulitzers, and my children the junior journalists are hungry for real meat. So for God’s sake, Chaplain Untermeyer, please just keep all of this between us. It’s all supposed to be a secret, you know…
ERIC:
I didn’t watch the show. (I was reading Wizard of Oz to Elly instead.) Did Hannity & Colmes say anything in response to what you wrote? And who is this Mrs. Robison – anything to do with Simon & Garfunkle? Cheers,
CHASE
Naw, they’re still hiding out (Hannity & Colmes, I mean; I don’t know what the hell happened to Simon & Garfunkle). Hannity is still making a big deal of doling out canned questions to the Germanator the other day. He doesn’t realize that he’s on the edge of a chasm, and that the Republicans (of whom I am still one, I remind you – have been since my first and last vote, for Ronnie Reagan in 1980) are going to rue the day that they chose an Aryan Superman with a German accent and a Hollywood libido. Shucks, if they wanted the real deal, they should have called me. Buff ain’t enough, brother Untermeyer. Buff is a bluff. Take it from the captain. The Germinator is a blonde tiger, but he’s paper just the same.
Captain May
PS: I hope you
and Elly have lifted off with the Oz stuff. We definitely ain’t
in