Ghost Troop Home Page April Fools Part 4
Hey prez. My dad called yesterday and asked if I had sent you a congratulatory note yet for the capture of Saddam Hussein. I realized I hadn’t, and wanted to make up for the omission: Congratulations for catching Saddam, George. Now you’ve finally accomplished the mission that we went to war for: getting the guy who tried to get your dad!
You know, I think a lot of
your dad myself. Heck, I volunteered to go
to war when he was commander in chief – and even voted for him the one time I
voted (Reagan ‘80). I’m glad as hell
that you’ve settled the family grudge, and I’m sure that everyone in the
Just between us, when did
you get hold of the atheist devil? I was
talking with Mike
the Moslem yesterday and speculating that Saddam had been in
custody for a bit over a week, and that in fact his capture is what set up the
declaration of an Iraqi war crimes tribunal and a Baker mission to
And by the way, it was a good effect. Whereas I was mad as a hornet over your use
of Jessica to distract the public from the American dead in the Battle of
Baghdad, I’m pleased as punch that you had Saddam for a week or more before you
showed him getting the POW treatment for folks back home. I hope you got some good drugs into him to get
him talking about good stuff, and that you found out plenty in the process. (Just
stay away from the truth serum or you’ll fudge up all the remaining
prevarications justifying our incursion into the
I’m glad that yesterday
ended the Sunday jinx of bad Iraqi news – like the attempt to whack Wolfwits and my buddy Thom Shanker
in
It looks like you’re all ready for the next act of your play, George. I’ll give you a couple of notes as a Christmas gift, then let you demonstrate your geopolitical genius on the stage of history: You have achieved personal and symbolic success with the capture of Hussein, but you have not achieved military success. Keep this in mind and you’ll be on the right course; forget it and you’ll be acting like yourself again. [Editor’s emphasis, in all cases]
Hussein is no longer a
military leader of importance; the anti-American forces are comprised of more
factions than even Saddam could name – and many of them are celebrating his
fall right along with us. The leader
who unifies the Iraqi resistance groups isn’t Saddam, George, it’s you. As long as you keep us in
I hope you have sent Baker
to
Chase Untermeyer, Mike the Moslem, and a Jewish psychiatrist friend of mine (I’ll send his name and number if you’d like to talk about things) all say you’re ready to do something smart, George. Ever contrarian (and usually right), I’m saying I sure as hell hope so – but I doubt it.
Captain May sez that Baker is going to
Believe me, since I started writing analysis of your war (Houston Chronicle, April 3 & July 8) I’ve told a thousand people that I always hope I’ll be wrong about my predictions. Lord knows, I hope I’m wrong when I say you won’t know what to do with your temporary success. Just to make sure you have the full benefit of my advice, let me point you in the right way one more time in 2003:
Here are the last two paragraphs of my op-ed “Visions of Stalingrad: Claim victory in Iraq now”, April 3, 2003, Houston Chronicle Outlook:
“It
is important that we share the control of liberated
“Military
intelligence officers are accustomed to being told that their field is a
contradiction in terms, and that they are the bearers of bad news and
worst-case scenarios. But it seems to me
that fortune is no longer smiling on our heroic liberation of
I wish you’d read it all in April, George, when I wrote it in your home town press, but better late than never, I suppose. Merry Christmas.
Captain May
PS: Please give my best to General Powell. I like the prostate operation story as an explanation of his sudden absence. I suppose that with Baker doing the Bush business, a Secretary of State is a bit of a nuisance…
PPS: Please pass on my sincere best wishes to your
dad – I really am glad you got even for him – and would you please download and
pass on the attached op-ed, “Success of
Desert Storm being judged unfairly.”
I wrote it for the Houston Chronicle, too, back in 1992, just after the
first Gulf War. I don’t know if he saw
it, but I took his side in strong terms when he decided that invading
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