Ghost Troop Home Page April Fools Part 3
It was a pleasure to analyze you – your name, I mean. Masternati, fine name. I guessed it was Italian, because of the Latin roots. Here they are if you don’t know ‘em: Master is from Magister, (yeah, master); nati is from nauta (looks like a Latin feminine noun, but acts masculine). That was all a guess of fifteen seconds, but I think it’ll check out.
So you wanted to talk “off the record” about the
report you received from Greg Sonnier. Well, I’ve got to admit something to
you: I’m schizophrenic, and Greg Sonnier is my alter ego.
I turn into him when I want to approach people as an idle fool. Most the time I just call myself Captain May,
but that worries folks, because they know that Captain May was a Desert Storm
volunteer for the prez’s dad, and has specialties in
Anyhow, Greg Sonnier easily persuaded Ben Porritt that he was a shit-heel, ass-kissing journalist, of the type you Bush teammates are accustomed to dealing with. Sorry. I don’t like to lie, but I’ve self-mobilized in accordance with my commissioning oath to protect the Constitution against foreign and domestic enemies, so I call it a military deception. Know anyone who is involved in an Orwellian cover-up, as I wrote in my “3/7 Cavalry, tragedy and travesty”?
Yeah, I know it sounds crazy. That’s what my best man and best friend,
Chase Untermeyer, Asst. Sec. of the Navy for
Reagan/Bush, thought at first, but now he wonders. My wife (and one of my lawyers) thought so,
too, and now she wonders. My
psychiatrist believes me though. You
see, I knew from early April that inconvenient folks in this global war would
wind up doing insane things, like Dr.
Kelly who killed himself after suffering from the paranoid
delusion that his government was going to kill him; like Rachel Corrie,
who got bulldozed into the dirt March 16 because she got between the Israeli
occupying forces and the Palestinian homes they came to destroy. I could go on, but the point is that I figured
I might be suffering from paranoia, too, and I wanted to make sure that there
were multiple records in multiple professions stating clearly that I believed
so. Shucks, I haven’t talked about
anything but paranoid conspiracy theories for months. So why does my psychiatrist believe me, and
why has he sent my case to other connected professionals? [Editor’s
emphasis, in all cases] (He’s really
media savvy, and pretty level-headed, for a shrink.) He believes me because I told him I confirmed
it with the Army at
My psychiatrist questioned me extensively, made copious notes, and said that he wanted to be quoted widely, and allowed to begin lecturing and publishing on some of my lesser analyses. He has written in many places already that I’m not suicidal at all, so if I were assassinated by someone who wanted to make it look like suicide, it would be contradicted by already-published medical opinion.
You know, your media friends were saying Dr. Kelly had committed suicide before his body was cold, and I’m not taking any chances. I don’t trust anyone, so I’m in a bunker with audio and video running on independent power to broadcast my story in real time (I hooked up with some independent producers). I like to keep friends, family and lawyers close, and I’m never alone.
Do you know, since the cover-up of the Battle of Baghdad, I haven’t known who to believe, but here’s what I believe: I believe that the prez, for all the purest reasons, made a mistake in judgment and allowed one of his subordinates to talk him into giving authorization to something that is becoming known to the nation as a military/media cover-up. I know he wasn’t a sterling student, and he’s bigger on moral conviction than on mind problems, but I’m afraid he’s going to start looking as clumsy at home as he does abroad. Heck, Carol Mosley Braun said we were playing Orwellian games on CNN Crossfire yesterday. How long do you really think you have?
Hey, I know most people think I sound crazy, but I think I’m flying straight as an arrow, because I know I’ve hit the target of truth. To me, you’re the one who sounds crazy. You called and tried to get me to give you all the details of a release that you claimed never to have read, but which was brought to your attention by one of the Bush team’s media guys, Ben Porritt. Hmmm…, so you’re Ben’s secretary? When I told you it was about the White House cover-up of the Battle of Baghdad with the Private Jessica hoax you seemed, well, confused about what to say next. Maybe you should get in touch with my shrink, JP. Seems like everyone is acting a little crazy nowadays, so I just thought I’d make the recommendation. If you want to talk to me again, call Chase Untermeyer. He knows about everything; we’ve been talking about it from the git-go. Chase knows George W. pretty well, and served his dad loyally. Heck, Barbara Bush even paid him kind remarks in her biography, and he fondly recalls walking Grandma Bush (RIP) around when he would vacation with GHWB in Kennybunkport. (Is that how you Bushlings spell it? I’ve never been there…)
Anyhow, Chase will tell you just how many thousands of hours I’ve put into researching my findings, which you will soon be able to read in hardback. If you guys want to do the right thing (not assassinate me, Rummy, Dick), I may be willing to let Chase fill you in on details. Right now he has three solemn oaths that will hold him steady: One is an officer’s oath, which he took when he commissioned into the Navy; then there is his oath to serve as chaplain of Ghost Troop, 3/7 Cavalry; finally there is his pledge as my best man to stand by me in a crunch. Chase Untermeyer knows I’d storm hell with a bucket of water and a full bladder. He knows I’m the kind of crazy man who doesn’t back down when someone he loves has been injured – and I believe my country and my comrades have been injured.
If I’m wrong about all of this, Chase will be the one to talk sense to me, so work through him if you have an argument. I’m just saying it for form’s sake, since I know you don’t.
Captain May
PS: I self-mobilized in defense of the First Amendment particularly, and the Constitution generally, on April 8. Any chance the prez can get me back pay and hazardous-duty pay, too? And can he get my letter of reprimand expunged from my military record? I stood up to the Texaco Reserve General, Claude J. Roberts, when he was trying to rip-off colored kids in the inner city, and he signed me a bullshit reprimand before I hounded him out of his command through the media.
PPS: While I’ve got your ear, tell the prez that Captain May sez to quit letting military personnel attack and threaten wives, like Mrs. Candance Robison, wife of heroic 1LT Mike Robison, who is fighting for the prez in Iraq. Last week Lt. Robison’s company commander threatened his wife and children’s lives because she has used her First Amendment rights to speak to people who asked her what she thought, and she thought this war was a bad idea. She has been under coordinated attack from Brigadier General Sholar, of the 90th Regional Readiness Command, through his paid civilian staffers. Sniff! Sniff! Is that tyranny I’m smelling, or is that fear?
Please
tae [sic] me off this email list
Hey, man, you
Bush teammates aren’t very cool when you’re under fire. You misspelled the second word and forgot the period. Stands out like a sore thumb (or two sore
thumbs). Ouch! Hands are shaking, huh? How does it feel to be the next John Dean –
or are you more of a G. Gordon kind of guy?
They wound up in the same place.
Are you gay? I’m told it
helps. Shit man, you should see me. I’m wearing my best dobok
and my black belt, and proud because I’ve just broken a brick for my
comrades: tyranny. Guys with battle scars like me are about
to give you a new title: bitch.
At first I thought
you’d turned on a fucking message block before I hit you with my infoartillery, ‘cause you were plenty scared after we
talked on the phone. Good thing I kept
my true name from you boys while I played my April Fools joke to end your
careers, or you would have weaseled sooner and put up some electronic
countermeasures to keep my messages from slipping into your home turf. Tag, you’re it. Mike Charlie (mission complete, dummies).
As it is you are now
on record in a number of ways for trying to cover up the president’s betrayal
of his Oath of Office to defend the Constitution. By that I mean that our correspondence has
been published real-time and there are tapes of all my conversations. Shit, I almost ran out of money for smoke
from all the packs of ‘em I had to buy,
copy and distribute. The April Fools
have now entered your reality, and your reality doesn’t exist any more. The paradigm is shattered. You have opened the best booby trap since Pandora’s box, because you are linked with the documents
that assert that the White House directed a media cover-up of the Battle of
Baghdad. I won’t go on beyond that,
because I don’t want to hurt media any more than I have, but the cover-up of
All of you must
resign, and await criminal charges, which will quickly be preferred by
Congress. Those are my orders on behalf
of the American People, whom I represent, in accordance with my oath to defend
the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic.
Captain May
Please
take me off the list
Hey, better,
but distinct from the first message. No
way of saying it was an electronic fuck up, is there? Nope, it’s your fuck up, and I’m smiling brothers, I’m smiling. That’s making solid evidence even more
solid. I can see you guys jumping up and
down to be the first to denounce Bully Bush.
Good idea. The longer you wait,
the worse it’ll be. I’m laughing. You’ll cry before Congress that you were oppressed
by King George XLIII. (Everyone will pick up the phrase now, trust
me.)
I’ll turn off the TV
pretty soon, though, just as soon as you have to heave hundreds of dead
American heroes out of your guts. You
are part of a Chronos regime: You have devoured your own children. Well, not this one, mother fucker. Call me Zeus.
Arrogance, madness,
blindness, hubris! You guys have no
intelligence at all – period – and now everyone in the media knows it. Look at how you pulled the Trojan Horse of my bogus release into the heart of the
presidency. Call me Odysseus, boys. Out I come with my infowarriors. Thanks for making it quick and easy.
Chase Untermeyer has already resigned himself to the truth, and
I’m going to feed you to a million eyes on the Internet if the media doesn’t
nab you first. They will, believe
me. The only answer is to distance themselves from your blunder, and they will, quickly.
Here boys, I’ll quote
myself from the eerie essay:
“Congress should demand explanations
from President George W. Bush, and prepare articles of impeachment if he can’t
or won’t explain himself. As for the
media, perhaps it will realize that although it was willingly embedded by the
government, it is not married to it. A
trial of impeachment of the president would be as good a story as the war was,
and might even tempt the media to rouse itself from its bed and reconsider its
spring fling in
Yeah, that was a bit of
prophesy, and that’s why you used all your knee-jerk instincts to squash it,
the way you have tried to squash anyone who wanted to do the right thing but
didn’t want to suffer (or die) for it.
They’re the editors and journalists who knew the fix was in on how we
would report the war, but got grabbed by the throat by the tyrannical
bosses. They know that the party’s over
now. Shit, man, Rush Limbaugh has hooked
himself a sports broadcast gig because Right Wing Talk is about to explode like
the bag of gas it always was.
Captain May says its
open season on the Bushlings now, and the more of you
the media bags the more prizes they’ll win for their papers. Better late than never, that’s the best I can
say for the media, but it will be enough for
You are the perfect
bow from history for a “team” that has taken stupidity to the point of
endangering its Army abroad and its citizens at home. Man, y’all fucked with
Captain May
PS: As for your request to be removed from the list, I will quote from Virgil for you: Neoptolemus to Priam: Nunc morere! You’re off my email list, and you’re included on the one below. I hope you’ll be the last.
Any media
organization may publish any part of anything I have sent in the thousands of
letters, emails and faxes I have sent in recent months, particularly RIP op-ed
for the 3/7 Cavalry. Thank you for
waiting until I could get things ready for your big charge. Now is the time. I’ve already mobilized hundreds of you
directly, and thousands through the net.
Your humble servant has done the scouting and a bit of the skirmishing. Your turn. Garry Owen!
I said it on
the phone when we talked, so keep it straight, because every person in
I am
underground and will remain so until I am content that some provision can be
made for my safety. In the event that
the prez tries some shit, I will surrender meekly to
any police authority that can convince my witnesses and lawyer wife and a
federal judge. A restraining order has
been issued.
Should I be
assassinated anyway (probably one in four), you are to use all your influence
and connection to prevent any kind of official cover-up a la The Warren
Commission. You are to look in on Miss
Gretchen and my children. Do this, or
the curse of Ghost Troop, 3/7 Cavalry, will hound you to madness. (They told me to tell you.)
Captain May
Ghost Troop Home Page April Fools Part 3