Ghost Troop Home Page    April Fools Part 4

 

October 17, 2003, Letter to Mr. Coleman

Dear Mr. Coleman,

You were my sure and steady friend before April Fools Day, and have been ever since – and all that’s saying a lot.  You have told me “Be careful.” a hundred times, “Cool down.” Another hundred times and “Duck!” just once.  Thanks to you I didn’t crash and burn, and I stayed alive.  I’ll keep trying to talk with you when I stop by on the way to my walk with Dexter, but I understand that you’re not always up to a long talk.

Dexter and I (and Mrs. May, who has been coming along lately), are enjoying the fall weather.  That fox I saw last fall in the woods out back of your place is still there, or so a local rabbit hunter tells me, and a few days ago I crept up on a smaller fox, and got to within ten yards, so that makes two.  You know, when I think of those foxes back there I can’t imagine hunting them down because I know how much the thick woods favor them.  I’ve tried to cut my way-through back in winter, while the snakes were asleep and you could see your way through the bare branches.  Sir, I used my machete left-hand and right-hand for the better part of the morning, moving every which way, sweat pouring.  My arms ached, my back ached, my legs ached – and my hands were blistered when I stopped.  I hadn’t moved half a mile.

Know what?  I wound up backtracking to a ditch, knee deep in cold water, and walking it out of the woods, boots full and sloshing all the way home.  It didn’t feel good, let me tell you, but it was the only way clear of what I’d gotten myself into.

What do you think of my parable, Mr. Coleman?  In the paragraph above, I’m the U. S. Army, the woods is the Middle East, and those damn foxes are Saddam Hussein and Ben Laden.

It looks to me like we’re about to have a clash of dynasties, with the Republicans standing behind Bush less and less and Democrats rallying behind Ted Kennedy.  Bush has badly miscalculated his expansion of the white man’s world, and there’s hell to pay for it.  He is hostile to his generals and CIA, and blaming his media.  Kennedy is the torch-bearer, and couldn’t have picked a better role than to redeem his family legacy by denouncing George Bush in the Senate.  He won’t go away.  Sharon’s growling at the end of his leash in the Middle East, and Bush may let him slip off and start a general fracas.

I was watching C-SPAN the other day and listening to the speeches in the House of Representatives.  The Democrats have a good point when they say we’re spending a lot on Iraq’s poor folks without giving a damn about our own back home.  It was as funny as it could be to hear all the Republicans talking about the need to end poverty, improve education and rebuild crumbling infrastructure – all for the good of a foreign country, mind you.

I’ve got to say, I’m proud to be Baptist, Southern, Republican, white and male.  When I look at what a poor performance my elected brethren are doing it makes me feel like the best of my party in America.  By the time this is all over, who knows, I might be the hero and Bush might be the goat.  Do you think I ought to challenge that fool in Texas?  How would that be for a joke?

I’ll think it over, but I won’t do anything before I talk with you.

I hope you’re enjoying the Mississippi flag I stole from those peckerwood police before I left their state.  I’d seen those damn stars and bars flying over poor black folks enough that I thought it would make a perfect gift for you.  I think black folks ought to come up with a stars and bars of their own, just like the Confederate one, except that the black folks’ flag would have red (for the blood) green (for the land) and black (for the people).  Then let the damn white folks scream that your flag is an obscenity and doesn’t even include their color.

I’ve brought you a couple of folding chairs, one for out front, one for in the back.  I hope you’ll enjoy them.  That one you have hanging together with wire is what we were talking about the other day – “jerry-rigged,” right?  Anyhow, these are strong enough to stretch back in when you’re so inclined, so go right ahead.  Sit back and think of all the laughs we have had on the world’s best April Fools joke, and laugh a little more when you think that it ain’t over yet.  My compliments to Mrs. Coleman.  Always your friend,

Captain Eric Holmes May, MI, USA

 

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