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September 12, email to Dr. Pesikoff, psychiatrist

What's up, Doc?  (Always wanted to use that line.)  Hey, I'm as cool as a cucumber, and the prez just went and gave a presidential citation to the 3rd ID.  He didn't even mention the 3/7 Cavalry.  I've got a bunch of folks on the hook.  I think there's really some truth in the idea that once you get used to life-and-death situations (like war) you learn to enjoy it.  How can there be such tranquility in ultimate chaos?  Shit, doc, I don't feel alive anymore unless death is over my shoulder.  It's been a long time to be playing games with a petty tyrant, and I think it’s fucked up my soul.  I’m wierded out when I’m not engaged and I’m calm when I am.  I think I’ve become sort of a martyrdom volunteer for America.  I guess I caught it from Bin Laden.  I don’t want anyone to think that there aren’t Americans crazy enough to die for what they believe in, and I believe in my country. [Editor’s emphasis, in all cases]

You should have seen the farce speech the prez just did at Ft. Stewart.  I’ll show you the tape sometime (I’m having copies made, always do).  The soldiers standing in back of the prez said it all through body language, stony faces, wry asides.  That’s not the surprising part when you think about it, though.  What’s surprising is that the guys saying it all with body language were officers, six of ‘em in the frame, and they had been chosen specifically to give the prez a good backdrop.  My comrades have seen the real shit by going to war, and their expression said “bullshit” to everything the prez said.

You’d think they’d have been happier, since the prez was awarding them the Presidential Unit Citation.  That’s a real big deal in the Army.  The First Cavalry Division had one.  I wonder why they weren’t really raising a cheer…  Nope, I’m lying to my own shrink (bad medicine) – I know why they were silent:  because they’ve been covered up, and the Bushling is only there with them now because he’s close to ‘fessing up to the truth.  Fuck Bush, that’s what Captain May sez, and it’s what the 3rd ID sez, and it’s what Ghost Troop, 3/7 Cavarly sez.

Like I say, I’m cool as I can be.  Bush is making another trip to Houston today, and I’m always worried that he will have a black ops guy or two coming down with him.  A lot of folks travel with the prez…  Oh well, it’s been a good life, for a guy with a fucked-up personality.  If I don’t see you again it’s been fun, and you’ve been smart and helpful.  I’m putting you on my blessed list (it’s toward the end of the book).  Tell your wife and all her friends to enjoy, and tell her to tell everyone what I’ve told everyone:  Copy anything you want and pass it around.  I don’t care about any intellectual property bullshit right now, believe me.  In fact, I’ve decided that I won’t touch a penny of the money from the book.  It’s cursed for me.

By the way, Colonel Dennington at Ft. Stewart told me that when the truth came out, he didn’t want me to feel survivor’s guilt.  I’ve got a feeling it’s already kicking in:  crying spells, a wish to go to join the Army in Iraq, etc.  Am I being fucked up again, or am I just the only person suffering from an overdose of humanity?

Who are the good guys and who are the bad guys, doc?  Everyone I know who’s sane goes cold as the SS when the subject of the Battle of Baghdad comes up.  Maybe the country is insane, doc.  Ever think of that?  How about you and me collaborate on a book some day in the very iffy future.  Or would that mess with my status as your patient?  I would enjoy a collaboration, but I need your counsel foremost, and it’s been good throughout.  When I filled you in on my theories back in April, May and June, you were one of the few people who didn’t think I was insane.  Thanks.

Captain May

 

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