Ghost Troop Home Page April Fools Part 2
Noel Phillips │ Peter Hart
│ David Corn │
David
Beasley & Julia Wallace
It was good talking to you this morning, since at last I had a chance to summarize the events from the Battle of Baghdad to the present cover-up. You are a decent military reporter, which means you understood about half of what I was telling you, so I repeated most of the stuff twice. I think you kinda sorta got it, but I don’t think you’ll do much with it. You’re a worker bee.
Not that the hive is any better. I called your boss, Tom Barton, back a few minutes ago. His receptionist told him who I was and he told her to tell me he was in a meeting. So Tom turned yellow. Oh well, I don’t expect better any more. I’m coming to the unhappy conclusion that cowardice is a survival virtue. Have a nice career.
Captain May
Yo, Pete! I enjoyed talking with you for half an hour this morning. You were following along perfectly until I told you that the NSA had probably been listening to my phone calls for months, then you got deaf, dumb and (I’m guessing) blind. It’s OK, boy, I know you agree that all my ideas and that you’re scared as hell. I had to chuckle when I told you it was time for real journalists to get into gear: You said “Whoa, dude, like, this shit is for real, right?”
Yeah, right. Hey, I’m sorry I fucked up your summer internship. I hope you’re getting plenty of choice tail with the girls who admire your courage for being a wannabe journalist. You won’t be the only hustler in the biz, believe me.
I hope I got your name right, but when I asked it to spell it you got scared and hung up. So if I blew the spelling, dude, it’s your F for shitty journalism, not mine.
Captain May
PS: Since I’ve
been calling all the megamedia stars that guys like
you idolize, I’ll give you three simple rules that they have adopted to attain
and maintain their status: Hear no evil. See no evil.
Say no evil. Some folks down
here in
It was a pleasure, a pleasure to speak with you. Since I sent you the essay “3/7 Cavalry, tragedy and travesty” back in April I have wondered how you were getting on. So you remembered my theory about the cover-up. I’m pleased. And you admit I was right about Private Jessica. Good. And you admit that the attacks on the Arab media were probably… well, you know. And you admit that the Pentagon is controlling the corporate media? Yep, you always say that.
And, oh yeah, about that theory that there is a cover-up. Yeah, you agree with the implausibility that the Private Jessica hoax, the Battle of Baghdad and the low-end body count all fit in the same framework, right? “Right…,” you say, “but I need names.” I give you names. “And I need statistics.” I give you stats and sources.
Here’s the story in a nutshell that I told you for half an hour: The media has been co-opted by the government, mass casualties have been concealed from the people and the Constitution is knocked onto its ass. I know that you believe me, though you raised more lame objections than a first-year debate student. I know you’re afraid. Shit, man, I’ve been afraid since April 13, when I wrote and sent you the truth and you closed your eyes to it as you stumbled about the circuit of “significant alternative media figures.”
I relished hearing you accept, object, accept, object, accept… Man, you were great, and your TV appearances don’t do you justice. I have never seen a man perform better intellectual choreography to justify inaction for the last five months on a story of the highest consequence. I think I’ll call it “The Yellow Fan Dance.” Corn is yellow, come to think of it! I shouldn’t fault you any more, I suppose.
Man, I sure wish one of you’d show me some of that
good ole’ Che Gueverra
bravado! Stick it to the warlords who
dare trespass the
What? Still not checking up on the story, Davy? Have the tigers of the Left turned out to be a bunch of pussies? Here, kitty, kitty.
OK, I retract the feline remarks. Substitute: Have the hounds of justice hunkered down in their kennels just when we need them to protect us? Here’s a story, Davy. Fetch!
Captain May
PS: Again, a great performance. I’ve been smiling for a solid hour, and I can’t wait to see you on TV again.
I enjoyed our talk.
You went right through the issues, and you asked about the course and
death toll from the Battle of Baghdad.
Let me put it in writing. It’s
all open source (CNN tape,
First, at around 0530,
Two things: I was an army officer, and I never have to think twice about who I’m for in a war. I’m for the Army. Therefore, I hope every word above, and every word I’ve written since, is utter nonsense. But I’m past the denial stage, and I’ll bet that soon everyone will be.
I’ve attached the letter I wrote Thom Shanker at
the New York Times. It sets forth my
insights on the general issue of
I’ve attached the essay, “Private
Jessica, the military and the media.” I hope you’ll publish it ASAP, because it’s
the best essay in
I have also attached the essay “3/7
Cavalry, tragedy and travesty,” which has sat with my
Chronicle editors since April 13, when I had enough of waiting for the
president to tell the truth to the people and decided to write down my own
inferences. It’s historical, and as far
as I’m concerned, the people of
Please give me a call and tell me it you can run the Jessica piece. I’ve followed it by my other geopolitical pieces, which I reference in the Shanker letter. While I usually write ghosted pieces for corporate and political types, on rare occasions I sometimes do military analysis under my own name. I have a trick, though, for making sure I’m right every time (I’ve never missed): I don’t publish unless I know I’m right, and if it takes me years to be sure again, I’ll wait years. I’m not trying to make money, and I’m not trying to make a name. Frankly, pitiful as it seems nowadays in the Infowar, I’m just trying to do the right thing for the country, the Army and the news.
Captain May