Ghost Troop Home Page April Fools Part 3
Ladies and gentlemen of the investigation: Sorry to have to wait to get back with you, but I think you needed some time to read through the manuscript (plus the special attachments for your eyes only). I know the writing is scratchy, but you folks are thorough, and that will make up for my sloppiness. A couple of you have taken the trouble to contact me to tell me that my brethren in certain communities have decided I should take my authority to its logical extension, so here goes. Attention to orders:
I, Captain Eric
Holmes May, MI, USA, operating in protection of the Constitution according to
oath, and operating in the spirit of the Declaration of Independence, hereby
proclaim that I am conducting an official investigation into the abrogation of
law, duty and ethics by the United States media. Those who obstruct me are obstructing the
American People, for whom I have initiated this investigation.
You must forward this proclamation to the leaders of your respective institutions, who must forward it to their corporate legal beagles, who will then certainly tell you that you are in big trouble. Of course, your bosses don’t want you to tell them they are obstructing, and if you do so, you are obstructing. You have left the zone of ethical cowardice and entered the zone of treason. There, that’s what the mission required, so now you’re all on the hook. I’m smiling.
(Back to investigators) I’ve used my truce day with media to do a bit of analytic thinking for them (Howard Dean stuff) and send appropriate legal documents to you. I’ll make sure to insinuate the announcement into the media, working from the grass roots up. They’re still arrogant, you know, and still serpentine. Thom Shanker at the Times likes to threaten soldiers doing their duty. Please note that for my official allies – and what was the name of that editor who said he was going to clean up the Times after Jayson Blair? Sorry to say it, NYT, because I used to think you stood for something important. Well, you do: You are at the heart of the conspiracy to subvert your nation’s foundations. I want to note here that they have violated their promises of confidentiality and collaborated with the Bush Team. I suspect they are implicated in the death of my comrade and their source, Dr. David Kelly. I’ll leave it for you who are professional investigators to prepare the appropriate measures. And thanks for the kudos on my thoroughness. Between the manuscript, the notes, the tapes, the phone receipts – yep, I did my homework pretty well.
And thanks for taking me seriously about my request for back pay effective to April 8, 2003, when I began the Second American Revolution against tyranny. For a man who makes $20 a day, the O-3 salary will be wealth beyond the dreams of avarice. Shit, I’ve made 20K since I started my investigation, by that way of reckoning. Just make the check out to my wife. She’s the bank. I don’t take money from anyone but her. She’s a lawyer and a Capricorn, so she can handle things for me. Please contact her, because she is my primary contact for the processes I’ve set into motion on the civil side. These will be as devastating to the collusion as your criminal investigation, believe me, because the lawyers are lining up to have the most fun since the Gold Rush. Yep, there’s money in defending the Constitution, a lot more than $20 a day – however much that is…
Mr. Stone, I am honored, deeply honored by your
words. I embedded an SOS (twice) to you
in the manuscript with the feeling that you would take interest in the Battle
of Baghdad in
I look forward to our next communication, should I still be alive. If not, toke a cig, center your being and think of me. I shall be there, and we shall commune. I shall always be there, along with my command, Ghost Troop, for a man who fights the good fight, be he the Apostle Paul or the Hero Odysseus, will forever be on the lips of the muses. [Editor’s emphasis, in all cases] This is as much immortality as I have believed in since I learned Greek, and it is enough. I know you understand; I could tell you understood when I saw Platoon. Garry Owen!
I will respect your confidentiality from now on. I will die rather than compromise you. Ask Chase Untermeyer, the Bush family friend, if I am a man who means what he says.
Thank you for coming clean (or beginning to come clean, as I am told). I am as clement to repenters as I am fierce to thugs, and I speak for the nation. As for the thug Thom Shanker of the New York Times, he is hereby proscribed, and his name is enrolled into the Black List. ANATHEMA SIT.
I don’t take shit off journalists, boys and girls. One day I may meet you personally. When you have seen me you will understand.
And understand this now, every one of you: Once you’re on the list your career is dead, because
it is a Schindler’s List, only I’m not saving the innocent, I’m damning the
guilty. Call me a Nazi hunter, and call
all yourselves Nazis, and call my men and women in
Every time I think about one of you turds getting busted down from the penthouse to the
outhouse where you belong, I laugh, and the poor souls of Ghost Troop laugh
with me. How much did you snivel for
them, reporters, editors, publishers?
Yeah, I dig, you don’t have much to say for
yourselves. They didn’t at
Here is a thought that will fuck with you most:
You can’t kill a man who’s already a ghost.
To Mr. Dean, General Clark and the Green Party: Each of you (along with the Bush Team) has contacted me in the last few days. I wish each of you (except the Bush Team) well, and believe that the pending contest between Dean for the Dems and Clark for the Republicans will be exciting, and might even rouse embedded journalists from the Bush media orgy. Keep factoring me into your plans, folks. I’m the wild card in your hand, just like the false media used to be the wild card for the Bushlings.
A final note, and this one
military analysis for all Americans: I
know you don’t understand how an Army functions any better than I understand
how to play hockey (and I’m from
Captain May
Ghost Troop Home Page April Fools Part 3