Ghost Troop Home Page April Fools Part 3

September 23, email to Thom Shanker, New York Times

What? You wonder if I read the Times?

C’mon, tovarisch pisatel. Do you really think you are relevant?

But I’m missing your excellent, accurate war coverage?

C’mon, tovarisch pisatel. If you’ve got something good, just send it along. I’ll give it a look-see for old times’ sake.

You’ve been waiting for me to send you facts?

Hell, Thom, you admitted it was all true back in July, only you only spoke Russian because you were afraid of being overheard. Y’all are playing some kind of informational bullshit game with the Bushlings, and you’re trying to sit the fence, them’s the facts, Thom. You’ve managed to define “facts” in such a way as to justify non-investigation.

I’m glad you’ve read every one of my extensive emails. You see, I print the stuff that’s worth printing – and your interest proves it! My stuff is relevant! Damn, tovarisch, you prove me right every which way you turn! See, I couldn’t care less for what you have to say, and you read every word I have to say – how’s that for an inferential case that you know, but are afraid to say, the truth (at least in English).

OK, you need something outside the propaganda box to work with? I told you to look up Iraqi Resistance Report IV, but I know you Times reporters are too high-end to do your own research, and you’re used to letting the military lead you, so here goes: www.freearabvoice.org/Iraq/Report/report04.htm

Go to that web site, tovarisch. It’s supposed to be a real-time report of events in Baghdad on April 5/6 that somehow y’all missed! Couldn’t be that an Arab using Arab open source media has a better fix on the story than y’all, could it? That wouldn’t account for the assassinations of Arab media in Baghdad, would it? Hmmm… How about I stake my professional reputation as an intelligence officer on the sole claim that its outline of the Battle of Baghdad is accurate? It’s sad that I had to find the printed confirmation of the events I saw in an Iraqi threat publication – and not in the New York Times… “All the news that fits” – that’s y’all’s motto, right? Or am I being nikulturni again?

All right, I’ve set myself up by saying that Iraqi Resistance Report IV is the truth and the New York Times is a lie. Boy, when you get around to investigating, am I going to look dumb! [Editor’s emphasis]

Tell you what else I’ll do, just to make things even more specific: Take a look at CNN’s broadcast for the night of April 4 (2100-2300, Eastern) and see how they reacted to what happened. I’ll attach a partial list of indicators.

I know that none of them are what you would call factual, but you know, you could put it all together in a back-page piece to show how crazy intelligence officers become when they’ve come in from the Cold War. Man, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard you guys say that military intelligence is a contradiction in terms! What do you have to say for objective journalism?

Captain May

PS: Y’all keep saying you’re trying to contact me, but hell, my email is on and my phone is working. Too many contradictions, tovarisch pisatel. I told you to look into Captain Yee to make sure he isn’t another Captain Dreyfus. Y’all doing any research on his arrest and detention without charges, or are y’all still waiting for facts? Shit man, in the first letter I wrote you I proved that y’all believed 2+2=5. I’m waiting for a fact to top that!

Ghost Troop Home Page April Fools Part 3