Ghost Troop Home Page April Fools Part 3
Chaplain Untermeyer:
Hell’s Bells! What on earth are the Bushlings up to now? Why did they have to go and bust Captain Yee and make it a national story? It’s the best thing since McCarthy, I’ll tell you – and the worst political judgment in many, many presidents. (Not that I’m surprised at this juncture, mind you.)
I was suspicious that Fox broke the story at around 3:30 p.m. Saturday, and already had a couple of Homeland Defense experts on hand to say that the captain wouldn’t have been arrested if he hadn’t been guilty-as-charged. Oops! They didn’t say “as charged,” because no charges have been leveled yet!
Now let’s see what he has done to commit treason, according to info leaked at White House direction:
1.
He has made detailed drawings of the
2. He has tried to bring back notes from “Gitmo” (soldier slang) detailing the interrogators, interrogations, interrogated – or some mixture of the above.
3. He contacted – or might have contacted, or might have been about to contact, or might have been thinking about contacting – “suspected terrorists.” (They are suspected terrorists because the government suspects ‘em – Catch 22!)
You know, chaplain, I’ve got a theory: As one conversant with the seedier side of
the military, I have seen sadism in full flower in places like the “Iron Deuce”
Air Assault School (‘83) or the 7th Infantry Combat Leaders Course
(‘88). What if some little bit of that
sadism has started up in the nice-and-remote and extralegal wonderland of Gitmo? What if we’ve got us a little bit of torture
going on there? Hell, Sharon and Co. use
torture regularly on their prisoners
and you know George XLIII wants to be
like
My theory says that a conscientious chaplain (much like yourself, chaplain) might have become aware of mistreatment of prisoners in a concentration camp and prepared documentation for release back in the US, either to inspectors general, legal groups, Islamic rights groups or (God help him) media.
Let’s see, I could diagram the places in special ops schools I’ve been to where there were routine beatings, bindings and humiliations, and occasional maiming. Hell, half the time I didn’t know if I was learning to be a commando or going to a government-sponsored S&M party – with everyone dressing up like soldiers. I’d just need a diagram to draw the plan of the camp up for you, then you’d know what I mean. Oops! I forgot, a diagram is treason! …And I’d need to have names, dates, times, topics… More treason! Shit, then how can I report a military abuse when anything I say is treason? Catch 22! Where’s Joseph Heller when you need him to explain the military world to civilians? [Editor’s emphasis, in all cases]
Just for grins, true or false: “In the
I wonder if someone in media or somewhere didn’t alert the Bush Team that someone in the officer’s corps was getting a little too conscientious for the good of the nation. The poor Captain Yee would have been as dumb as I was about thinking that the folks he’d been taught to trust weren’t in on the game, too. In fact, he would probably have been far dumber, because he wasn’t into the bullshit general staff and political shit where I kicked (and was kicked) around. Let’s see, maybe he called a couple of “journalists” (are there any real ones left now?) and someone passed word to someone who passed word to someone… You know what I mean: Word got around.
When I was still talking to the Chronicle, Frank Michel admitted that he was under political pressure from the White House, and David Langworthy became so exasperated with my complaints of the fucked-up body count that he finally told me that if I really wanted to know anything I should just call Ari Fleischer. Think some of the journalist Walter Mitty’s out there are bitches for the Bushling, chaplain? I do.
So Quixotic Captain Yee comes home on a mission of
conscience and with notes, but instead of getting in contact he gets
incarcerated. Set up? Journalistic ethics in
suspense? New
McCarthyism? Naw,
hell no, chaplain, that would be too Goddamn sad, wouldn’t it? Things like that couldn’t happen in
I’d like to find out his side of it before I write too much detail. That would be the responsible thing to do, wouldn’t it? The only problem I have with that is that Captain Yee seems to be held incommunicado, under arrest but uncharged, and may be so held for 120 days. Shit, the last time I got busted for fighting they had to charge me within 24 hours, but that was civilian, so it was different. Seems the government has some pretty strong, probably new, powers up its sleeve, and brother, once you’re called a terrorist sympathizer, you’re the same thing as a terrorist. Didn’t Boy George say as much in his speeches?
I guess it’s almost as bad to be called a terrorist like Captain Yee as it was to be called a communist fifty years ago here, or a Jew sixty years ago in Occupied Europe, or a Catholic in Elizabethan England or a Nigger at any time in American history: You’re guilty as charged because you have a dirty name stuck on you by Authority.
Fox finished its Saturday afternoon broadcast with some letters from its viewers. The writer of one of them vented at “Ragheads” and some derivative (I forget which) of “Sand Niggers” then dared the station to put it on the air. Fox showed some its true grit in the face of such a challenge, and they broadcast the race-baiter from coast to coast. Yep, within hours of Colored, Moslem Captain Yee’s arrest, Americans could see that he was worthy of lynching just like all the other raghead sand niggers!
I never thought I would come to the point that I
would see a
Well, here are the Cliff notes since you’re always too busy:
1. Captain May sez
that the prez was showing folks one more time how
low-down he can be when he wants to make an example of someone. Captain Yee is going to be remembered in much
the same way as another captain of a religious minority: Captain Dreyfus of the French Army. He was busted for trumped-up treason by the
French right wing who wanted to show Jews (like Captain Dreyfus) that they were
second-class citizens, and wanted to enjoy a bit of Jew-baiting – for patriotic
reasons, of course, all in the name of country.
Captain Dreyfus became a political martyr after being saved from
2. Captain May sez the prez wants to take a swipe at his senior Army commanders by discrediting their alma mater, and he’s setting up some anti-officer shenanigans against Clark the Contender (who, of course, is a West Point prima dona). Just think of it as a Skull and Bones prank against another fraternity and you’ll be on track most of the time, Chase.
3. Captain May sez the
prez has stepped on his dick again, because he has
just made a PR angel for Al Jazeera. Think there are going to be fewer Moslem boys
hiking to
4. Lastly Captain May sez the prez has just reminded the European Powers that he is running a thugocracy. They remember Captain Dreyfus, especially the French… You know what, Herr Untermeyer? I call the attack on Captain Yee bad medicine all the way around, a lot of long-term damage for a bit of short-term advantage. I can’t wait to see George XLIII harangue the UN into action tomorrow. I expect it to be as entertaining as seeing clips of Nikki Kruschev banging the table with his shoe. The smart move is to throw in the imperialistic hand and cut our losses, but that’s not the way they play poker in the Bush League. We’ll see…
You know that I’m married to a half-nigger, and my adopted grandfather and neighbors are black niggers, and I believe I have a brother in law who is a sand nigger. Does that make me a nigger lover? Naw, Chase, it makes me a traitor, just like Captain Yee. Hmmm…
Captain Yee and Captain May,
Subversive saboteurs are they!
They talk of conscience in a pinch –
Well, that’s the pair we ought to lynch!
Now watch ‘em
swing. Now kneel and pray:
Thank
God we’re not like Yee and May!
Pray for the boys and girls in
Captain May
Ghost Troop Home Page April Fools Part 3