Ghost Troop Home Page April Fools Part 4

November 19, Email to Wolf Blitzer, CNN

Wolf! Come here! Sit! Good boy! Good boy!

Wolf, I want to compliment you and all the other media hounds, ‘cause it looks like y’all have been eating up my homework lately, and y’all have finally produced some worthwhile shit as a result. What do I mean, boy? I mean the chemical factory warnings y’all were howling out to the country yesterday. Yeah, I know boy, I’m late giving you an obligatory pat on the head, ‘cause you made those reports 36 hours ago…

But look at it my way, you dumbass dog: You were 36 weeks late telling the story! Bad dog! You’re lucky I don’t show you how a black belt can kick a careless cur like you in the ass! [Editor’s emphasis, in all cases]

Why are you sitting there with your tongue out, Wolf? You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?

I wrote a homeland security op-ed for the Cravenly (Houston) Chronicle “Don’t laugh at duct tape, it saves lives!” back on February 23, 2003. In it I gave my home town a warning about what it means when you have an inversion temperature gradient and prevalent breezes from your chemical district into your downtown area.

Yeah, I just assumed that the refineries were the logical attack point for terrorists wanting to hit Houston, but that was nothing new. I’d evacuated my high school immediately on September 11, 2001, because of a fear that the chemical plants just two miles away were the day’s next disaster. Being a martial arts teacher, I always assume that if I’m ready to attack I should also be ready to defend myself, that’s all. Don’t you media hounds know anything at all about fighting? No? You from the same kennel as the prez?

Around the same time my piece came out, I had breakfast with some media buddies, among them Frank Michel (the Hearst snitch and associate editor at the Cringing Chronicle), and I suggested that the rag’s editorial board urge practice emergency drills so that the good folks of Houston could be prepared just in case… So what did the editorial board do about my recommendation? Zilch, boy, zilch!

You see, Wolf, they didn’t want to rouse the public to the dangers of war because that would make the public not want to go to war! Better to risk their brothers’ and sisters’ lives than to get in the way of war spirit! Let the poor folks of our petrochemical district die like cockroaches in toxins if push comes to shove – then hope like hell that the poison doesn’t reach the Corrupt Chronicle. Well, Wolf, I’m happy as hell to say that they are only five miles from the chemical district, straight downwind, and they’ll get theirs just like the little folks they don’t care about.

Hey Wolf, how do you think I managed to scoop you media curs by nine months on my op-ed? The answer is that I didn’t. About twelve months ago I heard U.S. media saying that NSA had intercepted Bin Ladin’s bunch talking about blowing up refineries in Pasadena. Worried, the feds immediately warned the folks in Pasadena, who laughed it off, since they didn’t even have refineries there. Some joke, huh? Wait, it gets better. The NSA had called Pasadena, California, forgetting that Pasadena, Texas (a suburb of Houston) is the densest chemical district in the U.S., and it was the Texas Pasadena that Bin Laden and the Boys had been talking about. Some punch line, huh? The media folks who told the story (including the Houston media) laughed up a storm. I’ve got to say, everyone did a great job of soothing any disconcerting fears the public might be feeling. Just about everyone relaxed except your ever-paranoid Captain May.

Yep, I’m getting mighty sick of making the right calls about all the wrong moves that wannabe Texan Boy George keeps making. I know you and all the other media hounds say he’s your buddy, Wolf; but Captain May sez the prez is your master, and you grovel at his command, roll over, or even play dead. Well, the way y’all are going, lots of folks will be playing dead before it’s all over – and they won’t be playing. EPA says that there are over a hundred chemical plants that could each endanger a million urban residents, along with thousands that could bring less spectacular results, say in the 10,000 to 100,000 range.

I didn’t get too specific in my February op-ed, ‘cause I didn’t want to help the folks who may want to do us some harm, but now that folks are starting to talk numbers, I’ll tell you that I figure 100,000 as a decent estimate for a chemical district attack in Houston. Get hold of Army Field Manual 21-40: Nuclear, Biological and Chemical Warfare. It’s a good read – I used to teach it for the Army back in my cavalry days. It will tell you how to factor downwind hazard predictions for toxins. Fun reading, let me tell you.

Hey Wolf, wanna have some real fun? How about you try and get someone from your average petrochemicals plant to tell you what kind of explosion we could get in a chain reaction of petrochemical plants, like the ones that line the Houston ship channel. Ever heard of the word megaton, boy? Ever heard of the Texas City explosion? Naw, I didn’t think so.

The Crummy Chronicle won’t publish my stuff any more, even though my three war essays have turned out to be of far better strategic intelligence value than all our national sources combined. Not to disrespect my brothers and sisters in the intelligence community, mind you. As I’ve said many times, the only incorrigible defect in our intelligence apparatus is in-between the ears of the prez. I’m no smarter than all the honorable professionals I served with, but I’m a damn sight smarter than the prez. They all have to repeat his nonsense after him or he’ll torpedo their careers – or worse.

The prez… My God, it’s incredible how inept the man is. You’d have to go back to Nicholas II of Russia to find a comparable idiot. The prez took our country right into a quicksand war without even considering that we might get counterpunched hard in a soft place. That’s called a white-belt mistake, boy, and it means someone didn’t do a good job of preparing for a fight.

Aw, shucks, you’re falling asleep again, aren’t you, dreaming of giving the prez a friendly sniff, or of chasing frisky little bitches around the studio… OK, I’ll let you drift away into doggy Nirvana with a final word:

Wolf, please convey my compliments to the media, the Germinator and the Bushlings for swooping down on Michael Jackson’s mansion in Kalifornia. Thank God we have pedophilia to focus on instead of world war. Y’all are getting better and better at this propaganda stuff, boy. I especially love the anti-homosexual tint lately. Have you read anything by Joseph Goebbels? Do you know who Ernst Roehm was? Naw, I didn’t think so. Never mind, boy, never mind. I close with a quote from Nietzsche, you little unterhund, you: “Blessed are the faint of heart, for they shall go to sleep.”

Captain May

Ghost Troop Home Page April Fools Part 4