Ghost Troop Home Page    April Fools Part 4

 

October 28, Email to Wolf Blitzer, CNN

Come here Wolf!  Sit!  Damn it, I said sit!

Wolf, you’re being a bad dog again, and you make me want to cuss you.  The last time I wrote you, you were playing that “Ben” Ladin shit that he sent you from the hills of Afghanistan.

“Lucky Ben,” I kept thinking, “He’s walking around in the mountains with a staff and a Kalishnikov, like me when I’m on vacation, and I’m sitting in my little bunker – all cooped up for three months, getting cabin fever.”

You barked and howled over the tape for a while to try to convince us that Ben was sick and tired, lame and lazy and generally crazy.  Well, you were doggone wrong about every word but one:  Ben Ladin is indeed crazy – like a fox.

Wolf, I’m going to chain you if you go sniffing around any other dogs like that Freedman cur I saw your nose in a few minutes ago.  I know it was mutual, I saw the whole thing.  God, I saw it, and it was disgusting, if rudimentary, as so many canine acts are.  Here, I’ll vomit up some advice for you to ingest:

That damn Freedman dog may have the right pedigree, and every time I find that he’s taken care of his business on the editorial pages of America I see beneath the shit that he’s won some kind of dog show – I think it’s called a Pulitzer.  Is a Pulitzer a cup or a plate or a bowl, Wolf?  And did that Freedman dog say you could eat out of one of his?  Don’t you eat from the same dishes as that mutt, boy, understand?  Good boy, I always know you understand when your tongue hangs out like that.  Let it hang, and don’t bark (you might bite yourself).

I had a ball listening to your friend Freedman yapping about how the NATO Pack needed to pull Israel, Egypt and Iraq into its bosom.  Yeah, I thought it was brilliant to take every bastard problem Bush has whelped and get someone else to adopt it – except that they’re not stupid, Wolf.

And about the great idea of arming the Iraqi police and military to help us…  Good idea, boy, they’ll help us out a lot.  They’ll help us all the way out of Iraq, because we’ll be downrange from their fire when they think the time is right to turn those weapons on us.  Yep, boy, that’s how it will be.  There’s nothing worse for a country than bad dogmas forcing it to expand a war.  [Editor’s emphasis, in all cases]

It’s not even hard to figure out.  They backed away from our blitz…  What?  No, the word blitz has nothing to do with you, dumbass dog, so retract that nasty thing that’s showing between your hind legs.  It’s disgusting.  You can do that around Freedman, but not around me, never.

OK, they’ve faded from our force, and now they’re swaying back.  It’s a soft-style martial arts technique, central to hapkido, aikido, judo, jujitsu, and so forth.  They’ve captured initiative now, and control our balance.  Hell, they blew the number two DoD guy out of the number one secure area in Baghdad Sunday.  A full colonel got killed and 15 VIP’s got wounded…

…and you and Freedman ululate with doggie hard-ons because you have new bones of contention about how we need to get arms to the folks who hate us so that they can help us.  That’s kinda like giving riot guns to the inmates because there’s a riot in the prison, wouldn’t you say?  Their young hot-blooded folks are going to turn on us whether or not we give them arms, and sooner or later we’re going to have to use our legs – to back out of the quicksand.

I know, retreat is a new trick and you’re a dumb old dog, just like Freedman.  The Bushling is as dumb as you two, always putting his chin down and moving straight into trouble.  Boys, you haven’t been in enough dog pounds or enough dog fights, because you’re only thinking in one direction about war, and war can be defined as the very thing that turns everything in the wrong direction.  Every fool who ever promoted one thought he would win big, but ended up chasing his own tail if he lasted long enough.  And everyone who’s ever seen or studied enough knows that the Confederate cavalryman said it right:  “It ain’t the size of the dog in the fight that counts; it’s the size of the fight in the dog.”

You media mutts are going to keep the Bush, Blair and Sharon alliance intact, even though sane heads in every country are saying that they’re crazy, until the triumvirate can make the dumbest of all dumb moves:  “regime change” in Syria, anchored by a docile Egypt and Turkey, linking Israel and Occupied Iraq by conquest.

I’m not making a new prediction.  Right after 911 I estimated a 50-50 chance that Israel would use the event to lure the U.S. into a regional war by starting one itself then raising a hue and cry.  Call Chase Untermeyer to confirm.  Still looks like a pretty good bet, especially with us already one country over and all, and just needing to control the Syrian border to shut off part of our troubles and scare the no-longer-scared Middle East into believing that Islam means “submission to Allies,” right?  No chance, boy; they’re not nearly as dumb as we think they are, and they’re a hell of a lot smarter than we’re acting like we are.

Captain May sez if it goes regional it goes nuclear, and if it goes nuclear it goes global.  Hell, India and China’s biggest problems are overpopulation anyhow, and I wouldn’t be surprised if North Korea didn’t feel the same way.  After it happens you can howl at the moon all you want about how you were just playing follow the leader.  You’ll be right – but hasn’t it ever occurred to you to quit chasing after the asshole just ahead of you on the team, boy?  And didn’t it ever occur to you to ask what the pack leader meant by howling about “multiple fronts” in a “global war?”  Haven’t you ever heard that every mad dog in the last two centuries has raised the same cry when he tried to take control of Eurasia?

No?  This is all new stuff to you?  Go back to sleep boy.  I’ll let you lie for a while longer.  Let’s hope something a lot louder than me doesn’t wake you up to reality.

Captain May

 

Ghost Troop Home Page    April Fools Part 4